Rules of the Ark
by Kirii
Summary: Prowl has decided it is high-time for a few rules around the Ark. Crack.
1. Rules of the Ark

_**Author's Note:**__ So, my friend has been reading a lot of those "Rules of" fics lately and she shares some of the good ones with me. I decided that I wanted to try my hand at writing one, hence this fic. Please assume that it's Prowl writing these rules.  
__**Warnings:**__ Humor, vaguely hinted slash, implied situations.  
**Disclaimer:**__ I don't own them and I've got so many restraining orders from my attempts that I can't even leave the Washington/Oregon area!_

Rules of the Ark

1. When on monitor duty, you are **not** allowed to spend your shift playing solitaire on the computer.  
a)Nor are you allowed to spend it Googling yourself.  
b)Downloading human porn onto Teletraan-1 is strictly forbidden

2. When reporting after a mission, do **not** start with "which version of the truth do you want?" because I will not be amused.

3. Plan A never works. Plan B only sometimes works. Plan C is usually your best bet, but when in doubt, use Plan D.  
(Courtesy of Special Operations)

4. You are **not** allowed to practice Jet Judo on the Aerialbots.

5. Paintball is strictly forbidden.

6. Nothing in this galaxy is idiot-proof.  
a) Nothing is Wheeljack-proof, either.

7. No more bets on who's interfacing with who.  
a) Ironhide is happily bonded to Chromia.

8. Do **not** push the little red button.

9. Do **not** attempt to leave the medical bay before Ratchet clears you.  
a) This means you, Sideswipe.  
b) This **especially **means you, Ironhide.

10. The Toaster Incident will **never** be mention again.  
a) EVER.  
b) Period.

11. Do not mess with the scientists.

12. In conjunction with the last rule, never, **ever** startle Wheeljack when he's in his lab.  
b) I should _**not**_ have to say this!

13. Do **not** chase your fellow Autobots while exclaiming "Somebody needs a hug!"  
a) Especially in front of human ambassadors.  
b)You **may** do this to a Decepticon however.

14. The medics **do** know what's best for you.  
a) For the love of Primus, listen to them!

15. No more gossip in your mission reports!  
a) Jazz may be interested, but I am not!

16. You are **not** allowed to paint the Ark.  
b) Sunstreaker.

17. Pop music is hereby BANNED in the recreation room.  
a) It is also banned from being played over the loud speakers.  
b) Especially as a method of revenge.

18. All fire extinguishers **must** be maintained and checked at least once a month.  
a) Wheeljack's should be checked every week.

19. Do **not** mess with the security cameras.  
a) They are there for a reason.

20. In relation to the last rule, you are **never** allowed to use our security cameras to film pornography.

21. Keep the production of illegal high-grade to a minimum.  
a) Sideswipe is the only exception because, frag it, he's good at it.

22. Do **not** threaten to immobilize the mini-bots with bumper stickers.

23. For the love of Primus, please, **please** do not read auto-mechanic handbooks like they're porn scripts.

24. Stop bringing cats into the Ark!  
a) Hound, I'm looking at you.  
b) No, Bluestreak, you're not exempt from this one, either.

25. Do **not** build pyramids out of empty energon cubes.  
a) Not only do they waste space, they're a hazard.

26. Do **not** switch the rec-room energon with high-grade.  
a) We do **not** want a repeat of the Fourth of July fiasco.  
b) Neither do the local human authorities.

27. Speaking of the Fourth of July, from henceforth, fireworks are strictly contraband.  
a) I don't care _where_ you got them.

28. Pay your own Primus-damned speeding tickets, Sideswipe.  
a) I don't care _how_.

29. This is not M*A*S*H.  
a) Stop calling Ratchet "Major Hoolihan"  
b) Be nice to Radar. I mean First Aid.

30. Never tell Bluestreak to shut up.

31. Gears, no potatoes.  
a) Sideswipe, don't even think about it.

32. All excursions must be cleared by Red Alert.  
a) No exceptions.  
b) You may not go over his head to Optimus Prime.  
c) Sending in the Big Guns will not help. Leave Bluestreak and Fireflight out of it.

33. "Walking on Sunshine" is a song that will NEVER be sung around Sunstreaker.

34. Selling incriminating photos to our local slash-fanatics is strictly taboo.

35. Glitter wars are forbidden.

36. I never want to hear the words "Hey, guys! Watch this!" again.  
a) Especially out of you, Jazz.

37. The Dinobots are **not** beasts of burden.  
a) Nor are they to be used in the Annual Autobot Rodeo.

38. There is no such thing as the Annual Autobot Rodeo.

39. Stop calling Fireflight "The Hindenburg"  
a) It is not funny.  
b) His brothers do not appreciate it.

40. Beachcomber is not huffing the "good stuff."  
a) Stop implying such nonsense.

41. I never want to see **any** of you on "COPS" or "America's Most Wanted"  
a) I don't care what misunderstandings there might have been.

42. There is no conspiracy. Stop making Red Alert fritz.

43. The human ambassadors are **not** representatives of the Lollipop Guild.

44. Indoor hockey is strictly forbidden.

45. Blaster is **not** Uhura.  
a) Ratchet is not Doctor McCoy.  
b) Wheeljack is not Scotty.  
c) In short, stop it with the Star Trek comparisons.

46. Rule 28 is hereby revoked. Yes, I do care.

47. Kool-Aid in the wash racks. This is a BIG no.

48. Stop harrassing the Portland Police.  
a) And the Highway Patrol.

49. Hanging out in crowded parking lots and scaring the shoppers goes against what we stand for.  
a) Stop doing it, Sideswipe.

50. Stop telling humans crude jokes about tail-gating.

_**Author's Note: **__Credit to Ame for the bumper stickers and auto-mechanic handbook rules. Other jokes may be taken from various fan-created crack._


	2. Rules of the Ark: Addendum

_**Author's Note: **__You guys wanted more. I'm bored in math. You're getting more. Again, assume that Prowl is writing these.  
**Warnings:**__ You've had all the warning you get. Sit down, strap in, and remember, no food or drinks. The author cannot be held responsible for any choking that might occur while reading this installment.  
**Disclaimer:**__ Nope, still don't own them and I doubt I'd be able to keep them long if I did. _

Rules of the Ark: Addendum

_In light of recent events, all Autobots are required to read the updated rules. We are guests on this planet and, as such, should at least __**try**__to stay in the humans' good graces._

51. "Oil Nog" is hereby banned on base.  
a) Especially if Wheeljack made it  
b) In the case that Wheeljack _does _make it again, all samples should be sent to the Decepticons.

52. Do not take advantage of human gullibility.  
a) We are not friends with the Roswell Aliens.  
b) We do not have cavity probes.

53. Stop encouraging the fangirls.  
a) Sideswipe.

54. The mini-bots are **not** allowed to use Saran Wrap as a method of revenge for the bumper stickers.

55. Drag racing with the humans is not allowed.  
a) It's dangerous.  
b) Especially for the humans.

56. Cosmic bungee cords are not real.  
a) Stop encouraging Wheeljack.

57. Calvinball is not an acceptable activity on base.

58. On the off-chance that Prime, Jazz and myself are all off base, the Ark is not to be used to hold a Rave.

59. Using Mystery Google to send humans on illogical 'missions' is not allowed.

60. Stay out of the medical supplies.  
a) Unless you _don't_ want Ratchet to repair you.

61. You may not send video tapes of overcharged comrades to America's Funniest Videos.

62. All copies of _Twilight_ will be removed from the Ark.  
a) I don't even want to know who brought them in here.

63. Mission reports are not to begin with the words 'In accordance with the Prophecy."  
a) Nor are they to begin with "A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away."  
b) Don't even think about ending reports with "And they all lived happily ever after."

64. Optimus does not need play-by-play commentary when locked in combat with Megatron.

65. The Dinobots do not combine into Godzilla.  
a) Stop giving Grimlock ideas.  
b) I mean it.  
c) We cannot afford to pay for the damages.

66. The Cow Incident is the same in regards to the Toaster Incident.  
a) We will take the secret of that fiasco to our graves.

67. You may **not** create crude pictures in the desert that can only be seen from the air.  
a) Not even to insult Decepticons.  
b) Passenger airliners fly over this part of Oregon.  
c) Think of the children.

68. You may not cover the floors with bubblewrap.

69. Silly-string is not allowed on base.

70. Do **not** encourage the alien-worship cults.  
a) Sunstreaker.  
b) Tracks.

71. Just because I have banned _Star Trek_ references does not mean you can start up with _Star Wars_.  
a) I don't know where you got the idea, but I am not Darth Vader.

72. Car surfing is a bad idea all around.

73. The femmes are **not **"having a good time without us."  
a) Stop suggesting such.  
b) You're making Ironhide antsy.

74. "Caramelldansen" will never be played on base again.

75. The base is not to be used to film the next _Paranormal Activity_.

76. Keep the Pirates vs Ninja battles _outside_ the Ark.

77. No telling of Academy days horror stories around the human ambassadors.  
a) They're too similar to fraternity horror stories.  
b) We want the ambassadors to trust us, remember?

78. _The Land Before Time_ is not to be played on base ever again.  
a) Sludge _still_ won't look at Grimlock.

79. Clown dolls are now contraband.  
a) That was not funny.  
b) Do you have any idea what it took to get Red Alert to come back?

80. Toga Parties are **not** allowed.

81. Mirage is not the Predator.

82. Don't make me cancel Friday Night Movies.

83. Optimus and Megatron are **not** secret lovers.  
a) What did I say about encouraging the fangirls?  
b) Don't do it.

84. If you're going to encourage the fangirls, encourage them against the Decepticons.

85. Defensor is **not** a Megazord.  
a) No one is to sing the Power Rangers theme around the Protectobots.

86. Karaoke Night is a bad idea.  
a) I thought we discussed this.  
b) Remember Hot Rod's rendition of "Hotel California"?

87. "Farmville" is not an acceptable excuse for missing a meeting.  
a) Neither is "I was abducted by aliens."  
b) We **are** aliens.

88. Meetings are mandatory. If I have to go to them, so do you.

89. Sideswipe's high-grade is no longer allowed at diplomatic functions.

90. You will **not **sing "At the Carwash" in the washracks.

91. There will be no "Re-Paint Wars" on base.

92. Pirates vs Ninjas vs Klingons is now banned.  
a) The Klingons win.

93. All Autobots are required to have regular check-ups with Ratchet.  
a) _**All**_ of them, Prime, sir.

94. When fighting against Decepticons, at least _try_ to keep them from taking pot-shots at you.  
a) You're making Ratchet grumpy.  
b) A grumpy Ratchet is _never_ a good thing.  
c) Remember, he has wrenches and incredible aim.

95. Holograms are meant to keep the humans from freaking out.  
a) Not to use just so you can drive in the carpool lane during heavy traffic.

96. Keep your hands to **yourself**!  
a) Sideswipe.  
b) And Wheeljack. For different reasons than Sideswipe.

97. Epic games of tag are not to be played on Interstate 5.  
a) The Portland Police don't want any more accidents.

98. You are not allowed to send humans messages saying "For a good time, call Jazz."

99. We do **not** power up when kissed by human girls.  
a) Stop it, Powerglide.

100. We may live an exceptionally long time, but none of us are immortal.  
a) None of us can come back from the dead, either.  
b) Except Optimus Prime.


End file.
